Polk, my accountant, sent me a text message: 'To make an omelette you first have to crack some eggs.'

My response:

Untrue, Polk.

To make an omelette you first have to get out of bed. Unless...

...unless you crack eggs in your sleep...sleep crack. It's like sleep walking only instead of walking you're cracking eggs. In bed. While not awake.

I know something of this phenomenon because my ex-girlfriend Claire was a sleep cracker. At 2 or 3 in the morning I would be startled awake by the sound of eggs cracking. She wouldn't use a bowl. Just crack on the sheets.

When I went to bed I took a bowl with me and positioned it where I thought she'd crack that night. But I soon learned a sleep cracker isn't concerned with the drop spot. They just want to crack. I would put the bowl in the middle of the bed, she'd crack at the foot of the bed. I'd put the bowl at the foot of the bed she'd crack at the head of the bed. I wasn't sleeping and we were going through more sheets than Paris Hilton. I needed help. The pattern of her cracking was all angles and lines and reminded me of the patterns found in the Andes Mountains of Central Peru. Cracking the code would require somebody with astute geometric knowledge. Adam Finch. In grade 7 he always beat me in Geometry class. If there's anyone who can figure out the proper drop spot, it's Adam.

Adam flew in for the job from London where he was working as a currency trader. He said he wanted to make sure it all worked out for us because I was a dear friend and he didn't have too many dear friends in the world.

Two weeks later Claire was on a plane back to London with Adam. In a lengthy email, Adam referred to Grade 7 and a black t-shirt I borrowed and never returned. That t-shirt made him look borderline cool which kept Lord of Vengeance the bully away. Lord of Vengeance's real name was Martin. I was stunned but there wasn't much I could do so I got rid of all the sheets and started over.

Five months later I receive an invitation to Adam and Claire's wedding. I couldn't make the ceremony; it was a destination wedding in Tahiti. But I sent them a gift. It was a bowl from Ashleys.